What to avoid saying to someone with dementia

According to the NHS, more than 944,000 people in the UK are living with dementia – a number that continues to rise as life expectancy increases.

To mark Dementia Action Week (19 – 25 May) in the UK, Dr Jane Pritchard, our in-house Admiral Nurse, shares insights into everyday phrases that can unintentionally cause upset, along with suggestions on what to say instead. These are 10 commonly used phrases to avoid that can trigger anxiety and distress:

1. “Remember when…?”

Dr Pritchard says: “This is an easy phrase to slip into when speaking to someone with dementia, especially when you’re hoping to spark a shared memory. However, asking it outright can cause agitation and frustration if they can’t recall the moment. It could also make the person feel foolish and highlight the fact that their memory is not as good as it was.

Instead, lead with, ‘I remember when…’ and paint a picture of the memory. This allows the person to simply listen or join in without pressure.”

2. “You’re wrong…”

“Correcting someone with dementia is often unhelpful,” Dr Pritchard explains. “Saying things like, ‘No, you didn’t brush your teeth today,’ or ‘It’s Tuesday, not Wednesday,’ can leave them feeling discouraged or embarrassed.

Rather than arguing, which can lead to distress, it’s better to gently change the subject or redirect their attention to something positive.”

3. “I already told you.”

“The confusion that comes with dementia often leads to repeated questions,” says Dr Pritchard. “This can be frustrating for loved ones, but it’s important to respond with patience and a calm, reassuring tone and possibly as if it is the first time that they have asked the question

Consider what might be prompting the question. For example, repeatedly asking ‘Is it bedtime?’ could mean they’re tired or overwhelmed, or ‘where is my mother?’ might mean that they feel the need for comfort. “Sometimes they’re seeking emotional reassurance more than factual information.”

4. “Do you recognise me?”

“If your loved one recognises you, you’ll often be able to see it through their body language and behaviour,” Dr Pritchard notes. “Even if they forget names, they will usually still sense that you are important to them”.

Avoid putting them on the spot with this question as it can cause guilt or embarrassment. Instead, offer a warm, simple greeting like ‘Hello, it’s lovely to see you’ or gently introduce yourself and your relationship, depending on their stage of dementia.”

5. “No – they’re not here anymore.”

“Memory loss may cause someone with dementia to forget a bereavement, no matter how significant,” Dr Pritchard explains. “Before responding, take a moment to assess how they’re feeling and where they are in their dementia journey.

If they seem confused or anxious, it may not be the right time to remind them. In some cases, a brief, gentle explanation may be appropriate. Otherwise, focusing on positive memories or gently redirecting the conversation can be helpful. Try thinking about what the underlying need is and try to meet that instead, or talk about the person who has died and share stories and memories of them”

Navigating memory loss

Deirdre Johnston, whose father Duncan Ferguson (92) has been living with dementia for around 12 years and receiving full-time live-in care by the The Good Care Group, shares her experience:

“Dad has been living with dementia for about 12 years now so I find myself naturally avoiding saying things like ‘do you remember’ or ‘I already told you’ as they can cause agitation. But when it comes to common conversations, the hardest part I have found is that he doesn’t remember Mum has passed away. We never remind him – he’d just get upset and cry.”

Deirdre added:

“Whilst it is hard when the questions of mum arise, I wouldn’t say I have changed how I talk about memories. I think it’s important to reminisce, but I do avoid confrontation so I just agree with him. If he thinks Mum is visiting someone, I go along with it. That way, he stays happy and calm.”

If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with dementia, it’s important to know that support is available to improve quality of life.

Call us today to learn more about our professional live-in or hourly care services that help people with dementia continue living safely and comfortably at home.